My Formula For A HAPPY Life

What is it that I DO as the Thinker Coach? Put simply, I help people who feel something in their life is “off”. Out of alignment. In my experience, the number one cause of a sustained feeling of misalignment is when a person’s values and goals are not integrated.

Keywords: Happiness | Values | Goals | Free Article

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At one extreme of this spectrum, a person has not even identified their values or goals. They drift passively through life and are always feeling a lack of control. They constantly experience stress and anxiety. They have no idea what is going to happen to them tomorrow, and it terrifies them every day.

A little up the spectrum from this extreme I find people who implicitly have some values. They have some vague notions of long-term goals. Things they daydream about happening 10 or 20 years in the future, if ever. Maybe one or two medium-term goals. Things they hope to get passed in 3 to 5 years. But day-to-day they just follow a routine that never provides any sense of accomplishment or advancement in life.

Now, I want you to go back and re-read the last two paragraphs. I used specific language when profiling these personas. Words and phrases like “drift”, “lack of control”, “anxiety”, “terrifies”, ”notions”, “daydream”, “happening”, “hope”, “routine”, “advancement”. Each of these words and phrases packages a whole host of discussion individually themselves. But for now, I want you to see if any of these descriptors resonate with you.

Further up this spectrum, I find people who have values. Maybe not laser focused in clarity, but they have a pretty good understanding of what they are. If you were having a conversation with them and asked them “What are your values?” They would not have to think about it. They could tell you what they are, though they might feel a little abstract or “out there”. They might not be able to easily explain how these values tie into their life here in the physical world. Similarly, they have goals, and they know what they are. But, there is always a caveat. Their goals, even the ones they have accomplished, never leave them feeling like they are moving in the right direction. Their goals are in constant battle with other aspects of their life. They might not be able to clearly define why any of this is though. Or even to define what that battle is against. They just feel the battle is happening.

You can relentlessly pursue and achieve goals and still be drifting through life.

This may seem obvious, but how many people actually live by it? How many people pursue things in life, not because they chose to, but because the goals were imposed on them by others? How many people pursue things in life that are self-destructive? You only need to look at the heroin addict on the street corner next time to prove that one. Or, for a more insidious example, observe all the overweight people at the grocery store and the things they have in their shopping cart.

These people do not have their values integrated and their goals in alignment. Do you see yourself in any of these people? If so, then you are exactly who I can help the most.

So, how do I solve any of this?

To flourish in life, to experience a sense of accomplishment, your goals must follow from your values—your virtues plus your personal preferences. And you must clearly identify what your values are before you can form goals. Otherwise, your goals are like throwing darts at a map of your life, hoping one of them hits something that turns out good. (Again, notice the passive and happenstance words I use to illustrate such a state of being.)

In my eBook “Clearly Thinking” I deep dive into this process step-by-step and include worksheets at the end of every chapter to work through getting your values identified, organized, and integrated with each other. Then, I walk through organizing your goals out of these values. Ensuring your goals work together like bricks in a wall. Obviously, I can’t cover all that here. That is why I had to write the book! But in these articles, I will at least give you the tools to get started, as well as offer complimentary techniques and exercises to help you along the way.

(…but before we begin, let’s have a word from our sponsor—ME!)

Are you aware I just released a new eBook? See below! (or just keep reading)

…and now, back to the article!

So let’s begin!

First, I want you to get out a piece of paper. If you have a whiteboard you can use that too. I would prefer you do this physically rather than on an electronic device.

Make three columns and label them at the top: “Values”, “Virtues”, “Preferences”

Now for the first column of “Values”, I want you to list all the things you act to gain or keep. That definition is crucial.

Think about your daily behaviors. From the mundane to the profound. No behavior is too insignificant. If you ate a Twinkie yesterday, I want you to write down “Twinkies” as one of your values. You acted to gain that Twinkie.

Also list big, abstract values. For example, “Family”, “Honesty”, “Health”, “Children”. But be honest with yourself. Only write these down if they are actually things you have acted on recently.

If you haven’t done anything in the past 3 months regarding a value, do not list it as a value.

If you have to take up multiple pages, do it. As I said, no value is too insignificant. Did you list “Water” as a value? You should have. You wouldn’t be alive right now if you didn’t act to gain it in the past 3 months.

Next, go to the start of your list and for the second column, write down all the virtues served by that value.

Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what a “virtue” is. I will state it simply. There are four classical virtues: Prudence, Justice, Fortitude, and Temperance. These are considered “cardinal” but there are many more. For example, “Honesty” (a derivative of Justice), or “Productivity”. But to keep things simple, stick with the four cardinal virtues. As you progress in your thinking, you will elaborate your catalog of virtues.

So, for example, since everyone should have written down “Water” as a value, write down the virtues of “Fortitude” (water gives us strength and energy).

Now here’s the kicker, if you drank water today—just pure water, you ALSO list the virtues of “Temperance” and “Prudence”! Temperance because you drank water instead of soda, and Prudence because you recognized (if you recognized) that drinking water was the healthier option

For the next example, let’s assume you wrote the “Twinkie” (or some other similar vice). For that value, you will have no virtues to list. *Whomp* *Whomp*

That is how you integrate your values! A value that serves a virtue will always triumph over a value that serves no virtues (like the Twinkie). A value that serves multiple virtues will always be more integrated than a value that only serves one. (One virtue is fine, but they can also become distractions so be careful!)

Virtues Together Strong.

So, we are only two lines into this exercise and you have already learned to identify a value, integrate its virtues, and rank those values weak to strong.

Complete the virtues column for all your values listed before moving on.

The next step is to go through the third “Preferences” column. Here, I want you to indicate the source of each value. Is the source “Nature” (such as the value of “Water”), or is it cultural? Familial? Or indeed your own preference. You may have to put in some thought to this one. You may even have to dig up childhood memories. If you can’t identify a source, that’s fine. Just be sure to indicate that by writing a question mark. You can come back and think about it later. The Twinkie may indeed just be a personal preference. After all, why a Twinkie and not a Ding-Dong or Potato chips?

The end goal is to identify that all values you are pursuing were actively chosen by you in order to eliminate the ones that are being passively accepted or imposed.

Once you are finished with this chart, you have a great starting point to form and plan your goals. Values with the most virtues are typically going to be your long-term goals, with some as medium-term goals. Values with one virtue are typically medium or short-term goals.

Any value with no virtue should no longer be in your pursuits. I realize that is easier said than done. And Rome wasn’t built in a day. The important part is to get you thinking clearly about your values. At least now, when you eat that Twinkie again, you can remember “This serves no virtues”.

Guilt can be powerful. I even wrote about it.

You can even take it one step further. After you are done, go back to all the values that serve no virtues and identify which, if any, virtues that are opposed to. For example, the Twinkie is not just lacking a virtue, it is actively against the virtues of Fortitude and Temperance and Prudence (surely you know the Twinkie is bad for you, right?) For these, you can write them in red ink or with a negative sign as “-Fortitude”. This will allow you to rank your values even further from Strongest to Weakest to Harmful, with the values opposed to the most virtues being the most harmful.

Then get creative. Take it even further. Once you have ranked your values, assign numerical point values for how many virtues or serves or opposes. Take a new paper or white board and rewrite all your values in order from Strongest to Harmful (Harmfulest?)

Keep the list somewhere prominent where you will see it every day. On the door or the refrigerator.

There is so much more I could say, but this is just to get you started. Think about virtues going forward. Every time you realize a value you are acting toward, write it on your list along with its commensurate virtues.

Do this one exercise and you will already be in the top 1% of people.

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Thank you so much! I wish you clear thinking, my friends!